We knew this was coming. We knew the minute we woke up Nov. 9 to screaming headlines like Recount in Florida and NO CLEAR WINNER that the 2000 presidential election would eventually become a movie. And, we hazard to guess, a truly awful one.
Of course, that won’t stop us from jumping head-first into the fray. There’s bundles of loot to be made here, and we know the Hollywood rule: It doesn’t matter if your movie idea is any good, all that matters is that it gets there first.
So here’s our proposal for an Election 2000 movie.
* THE TITLE: “Too Close to Call”
* THE PITCH: A political nail-biter set in the steamy streets of southern Florida. Think “The Contender” meets “12 Angry Men” meets “The Elian Gonzalez Story,” with a “Sixth Sense” ending (voters have unknowingly been trapped in an election time warp since the 1948 Dewey/Truman contest).
* THE BUDGET: $100 million; expensive cast can be offset by filming on location in Miami’s Little Havana, where angry mob scenes are a dime a dozen.
Chads, played by Chad Everett: He brings the experience and dignity and dimples the role deserves.
Butterfly ballots, played by environmental activist Julia “Butterfly” Hill: Both raised awareness over the senseless destruction of trees.
Al Gore, played by Tommy Lee Jones: While they were college roommates, they invented the Internet together.
George W. Bush, played by Woody Harrelson: Both are white men; neither can jump.
George Bush, played by Dana Carvey: The role Carvey was born to play.
Joe Lieberman, played by Billy Crystal: Recounts or Oscar ceremonies, both are at their best in losing causes.
Dick Cheney, played by Wendy’s’ Dave Thomas: Powerful men with bad tickers.
Katherine Harris, played by Patrick Swayze (in drag): The likeness is so eerie, it’s certifiable.
Jeb Bush, played by Ron Howard: Opie wouldn’t rig an election, would he?
Bill Clinton, played by John Travolta: What, you’d rather see Travolta reprise “Battlefield Earth”?
Bush adviser James A. Baker III, played by Charlton Heston: Any of you punks got a problem with that?
Gore adviser Warren Christopher, played by Don Knotts: You got to have someone supply the comic relief.
Gore lawyer David Boies, played by Kelsey Grammer: Boies has passed the bar; Grammer can’t pass by one.
Bush lawyer Ted Olsen, played by William B. “Cigarette Smoking Man” Davis: Certainly you don’t believe their likeness is a coincidence.
Contributing to this story were Randy McMullen, Vera H-C Chan, Deirdre McGruder and Randy Myers.
Exec. Producer T. Jefferson
Producer H. Truman
Director O. Stone
Laura Bush Joan Allen
Tipper Gore Bette Midler
Hillary Rodham Clinton Sharon Stone
Barbara Bush Janet Reno
Janet Reno Barbara Bush
Jesse Jackson Chris Rock
Larry King Himself
Judge H. Sanders Sauls Billy Bob Thornton
Supreme Court Syndicated TV’s judges
Angry Bush protesters Napster fans
Angry Gore protesters Metallica fans
Befuddled Palm Beach voters VCR owners
LOVE THEME SONG: “YOU CHAD ME AT HELLO”
Written by Phil Collins
Sung by Jack Jones (who made his fame by crooning the “Love Boat” theme. Hey, he’s ripe for a comeback!)
TOP 10 LIST
As not seen on “The Late Show with David Letterman.” Top 10 rejected titles for Election 2000 movie:
- “It’s a Chad, Chad, Chad, Chad World”
- “12 Angry Chads”
- “George and Al’s Not-so-Excellent Election”
- “Chad’s Angels”
- “The Spy Who Chad Me”
- “Oh My God, They Killed the Electoral College!”
- “The Good, the Chad, and the Ugly”